It's a love story!

Guten Morgen!

I'm so german! I love languages, I do. I actually took german classes in CEGEP and an italian class in university, and I learned spanish in Cuba. Bet you didn't know that! 

Here's something else you probably don't know about me: I have a love/hate relationship with my body. People usually assume I'm fine with the way I look, with the size of my ass, my thighs, my traps, my shoulders, my six pack (jokes) because I make fun of myself constantly. I'm not saying I have a low self esteem problem, because I don't. I'm saying I love my body at times, but other times I wish I were made a different way. I don't usually complain about this type of stuff, because I find it useless, but recently, I've been having conversations, reading articles and watching videos about body issues, so I thought it would be nice to talk about it on my blog! 

I don't know if it's how we were brought up, or in the world we live in that our minds think in a certain way. But I know for a fact, that constantly thinking about my body image is tiring, exhausting to be truer to how I feel. And I've come to realize, that I'm not the only one. We are a shit load out there; the girl at school, my mother, that girl I used to race with, the girl who's eating chocolate cake, or the girl that's eating a salad, or the guy that takes protein shakes as a meal replacement, or the chubby guy that runs 5 times a week, or the girl with an eating disorder or the crossfit girl, that WODS 5 times a week and eats paleo 80% of the time. I'm talking about everybody. 

We all had that moment in our life where we wanted to be skinnier, fatter, leaner or stronger. Or we've all looked at somebody and said: "Arg Dayummmmm, that girls ass is hot, I want it!" Or " Holy ballz, that guys abs are sick, that's what I want to look like!" Don't lie to yourself. We've all been jealous of somebody else's body part. That sounded a little weird.

I still struggle, but I've learned to embrace and love my body at times.

I love my ass, especially when I squat over 200 pounds. That's pretty fucking awesome. I love my ass after pistols, it feels so nice and tight. I love my ass, because it gets me places, I can do whatever I want, walk for hours, run, squat, snatch, clean, jump, SKI, and I can bump and grind all night long in my heels if I want to!!! I love my big butt, but that doesn't mean you're aloud to grab it, smack it or pinch it. Unless I say it's cool. You can look, but don't judge.

Those are big legs and a heavy barbell

I love my arms. They are finally starting to define themselves, they aren't jiggly anymore. I even have the tricep bump! WOOT. And guess what, my shoulders can put lot's of weight over my head! I can also do pull-ups like a boss now! (okay maybe not like a boss... but you know, I can do pullups)! I can skip and do a bunch of unbroken double unders without failing because of shoulder burn. I can do hand stand pushups. And I can even walk on my hands, not very far, but I can still do it. Did I mention I can also climb ropes? Fuck yeah! 

I love my back, I think it's sexy. Maybe it's just because I can't see it...

My sexy back! haha

But sometimes, I hate my ass. It doesn't fit into jeans, shorts, skirts or dresses. Or if it fits, it looks weird. And sometimes, the clothes just makes my ass look even bigger, I mean do I really need my ass to look bigger? I think not. I also don't particularly enjoy wearing a bathing suit... I always seem to get wedgies.... Those are no fun. 

I went shopping the other day, I didn't fit into any shirts I tried on, my shoulders were too big. That sucked. And I've started being self conscious about my arms, because they are bigger then most guy's arms I know, witch could get weird in certain situations...So I've been wearing long sleeves to workout, let me tell you, it gets HOT fast! I hate it. I hate feeling self conscious about my body. I should be proud of my muscles and proud of what my body can do!

I also hate it when people touch me. I know it sounds weird, but people touching my arms, my stomach, my legs and my ass just makes me really uncomfortable. Even if it's to coach me or show some demo in a movement. I feel so awkward. Maybe it's because people have expectations about how I should look because of all the working out I do and the way I eat. People get kind of judgemental when they realize I don't have a six pack like the girls at the games. Their eyes get big and I see disappointment in those eyes and it makes me sad to know that they are more concerned about how I look then what my body is capable of, like my new snatch PR. I also don't appreciate the : " Oh my god, your going to look like a guy soon" Thanks "friend"! Or my mum that says my brother and I are deformed! That actually just makes me laugh. hahaha!!

It's those comments, and eyes that make it hard to embrace and love my body. It's the skinny girls on runways that are photoshopped that make me feel fat. It's the games athletes that make me feel small. It's the girls at the competition that make me feel weak. It's myself, when I look in the mirror and realize that all the effort I've put in isn't good enough, because I created an image of what I would want to look like, that's probably unattainable. It's all those things that make me hate my body, when I clearly know that I should be loving my body for what it's able to do and not for what it should look like.

I know I'm not alone out there, and I personally would love to change my mind set. I would love it if everyday I can say that I truly love my body for what it's done during the day. I would love to see my friends be happy about their bodies, their healthy bodies. I would love to have the confidence to walk around naked. I would love for it all to be easy, but it I know it isn't and I know it's going to take time for me and my friends to accept our flaws that make us good at what we do. I don't want to be insecure anymore, I've been for way to long. It's time for a change, a good change!

So on a better note, this week, my body has been amazing: I PR'd three times!!!! How great is that ? Thrusters, push presses and snatch ! Oh Yeah! I have also been working on my muscle ups.... crazy I know! I'm very patient!!! I absolutely love what I do, because I accomplish so much, and little victories like these are what make me want to keep doing crossfit and keep getting better, no matter the size of my butt or my thighs or my shoulders.

I like big butts and cannot lie!

Ah Yes, happy Valentines day! I hope you all love it.... I may or may not eat a shit load of red hearts!

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KagZter
xoxo