Monday, 10 September 2012

When emotions talk

I was sitting on the floor catching my breath, sweating. I was a ball of emotions, I was holding back the tears and I wanted to punch my brother in the nuts. Not cool. I was shaking from the 30 minute workout I had just failed to complete. I was hurting.

I was unable to do 3 rope climbs, due to fatigue and a stupid flash back of me falling off the pull-up bar at the Delli Fraine competition 3 weeks prior. I know how to do rope climbs, I really do.

So what happened on wednesday?

Emotions took over. They told me that they were part of the game. And on wednesday it was part of the workout.

I tend to hide my emotions most of the time, in general. But it was just too much on wednesday. For the first time I was afraid to get hurt. I was afraid to fall. I was scared shit. I remember looking down at my brother, and nodding, telling him I just couldn't. He then told me I DNF, First workout ever not completed. Horror. I wanted to cry. But I didn't. Maybe I should of let it all out. I don't know.

Maybe falling off the pull-up bar was a bigger incident then what I thought. Actually it's a much bigger picture then just falling on my back. The fact that I needed to stop working out for almost 3 weeks was hard on my mental game. I don't know where I'm at anymore. I don't know if I should start everything over, or if I should start where I left off. I just don't know.

Everytime I lift, everytime I add weight to the bar, everytime I hang on the pull-up bar, everytime I row, everytime I run, there's this voice inside my head asking me if my back is okay, if I feel uncomfortable, or if there's pain. It's fucking screwing with me.

So now, I guess that the road to recovery will probably take longer then I had expected, or that any doctor had expected.

Emotions play a big part in our everyday life, and when you do crossfit, it's like all your emotions want to come out at the same time during your workout, and then, they seem to disappear after workouts, when your gasping for air, and when you can't feel your hands or legs, or any part of your body.

But on wednesday, they came out, and they came out really strong. It scared the shit out of me. It was to much to handle. I'm not used to being this emotional, it wasn't cool, like not at all.

Now, I have to work with my emotions, I have to cope. I have to learn to live with them.  And accept them. Even though sometimes they piss me off, or piss other people off. Anyways.

Don't bug me if I cry.

Spread the love
xoxo
KagZter

No comments:

Post a Comment